What can take a girl away from her blog? Hmmm, quite a lot actually.
Reason one
A dummy spit. A foot stamp. A full-blown tanty (aka tantrum). Yep, I threw in the towel two weeks ago, and had along session of growling at myself and my ridiculously high expectations of reaching the "healthy me" in a few weeks.
Going up on the scales put a crack in my "steely determination". But truly, that is a lie. What I have really done is, once again, set up a whole plan that is destined to fail. I set my goals so high that they easily become unreachable. Lose 12 kilos in 8 weeks? How many of us ever do that, and if we do, how often have we kept it off?
Depression. My psychological modus operandi is to continually prove to myself that I am a failure. This dummy spit that I had two weeks ago is more about my paradigms (yes, I have a psychologist and a psychiatrist), and how I approach the world - in a way that is deeply rooted in destructive behaviours. As Darla said in My Winning Year (I paraphrase) - depression and anxiety often go hand in hand with obesity.
Reason two
Grief. Yes, for quite a few days I was just concentrating on making it through the day in the most functional way I could - getting my paid work done, and being cordial to my loved ones.
Working through grief via blogging was impossible for me. I started my hand-written journal at that time.
Usually - when I am not coping with life - I use my husband as a whipping post - getting angry and yelling at him when he asks any type of question - "how was work today?", "Did you pick up the mail?"...
It is one of the really horrid things about me - that the people I love most in the world are the ones who get treated poorly when the going gets tough. I have been intentionally trying to change this part of me, but it has taken all of my emotional energy to make it through these past few weeks.
Reason three
Trying to re-work my thinking around my "healthy me" goals and redefine my direction and intentions. I don't think I have completely sorted that out. At the time of writing this, the goals on the blog still read
-8 week challenge: lose 12 kilos by 7 March 2011
-5 week challenge: lose 5 kilos by 12 April 2011
- et al.
These goals will change. As Rick from Rick Gets Fit commented on one of my earlier posts - why don't I try to focus less on the scale?
Wise words.
Tuesday, 1 March 2011
Wednesday, 16 February 2011
The big lie - forming a habit in three weeks
I haven't posted here for a week. And that week is week four - half way through my eight week challenge.
After three weeks of eating healthily, exercising hard, and feeling virtuous, I went off the rails. I became completely unreasonable in my thinking about my health, and everything in my life was catastrophised.
That's right, after three weeks, the claim is that we have formed a new habit. But I have found out ...
THIS IS A LIE
What did I find? This blog post which actually sited a research article in a peer reviewed journal! Now we're talking...
AND this research suggested that 66 days was the average to have a habit turn into something automatic. The average. And that this was for simple things, like eating a piece of fruit with lunch, or drinking x glasses of water a day.
SO, for us peeps, trying to lose weight, eat more healthily, incorporate exericise into our daily life... HUGE changes to our habits, these things will take considerably longer.
The days it took to form simple habits in their set of test subjects were between 18 days and 254 days. For new habits to form that require major changes, we are talking a lot longer.
AND, the research also suggested a sub-group of people who took a lot longer to form habits. The study suggests that there is likely to be a group of people who are HABIT RESISTANT!
That is why it is almost impossible for me not to walk my dog each day. I have been walking my dog twice a day almost every day since April 2010. I may only walk Dusty once a day sometimes, but it is a pretty extraordinary day if I don't walk her at all. My dog walking habit is automatic.
But, my healthy eating? My high-intensity exercise? Nope, none of these are habits yet. So, I'll just keep on trying.
After three weeks of eating healthily, exercising hard, and feeling virtuous, I went off the rails. I became completely unreasonable in my thinking about my health, and everything in my life was catastrophised.
That's right, after three weeks, the claim is that we have formed a new habit. But I have found out ...
THIS IS A LIE
What did I find? This blog post which actually sited a research article in a peer reviewed journal! Now we're talking...
AND this research suggested that 66 days was the average to have a habit turn into something automatic. The average. And that this was for simple things, like eating a piece of fruit with lunch, or drinking x glasses of water a day.
SO, for us peeps, trying to lose weight, eat more healthily, incorporate exericise into our daily life... HUGE changes to our habits, these things will take considerably longer.
The days it took to form simple habits in their set of test subjects were between 18 days and 254 days. For new habits to form that require major changes, we are talking a lot longer.
AND, the research also suggested a sub-group of people who took a lot longer to form habits. The study suggests that there is likely to be a group of people who are HABIT RESISTANT!
That is why it is almost impossible for me not to walk my dog each day. I have been walking my dog twice a day almost every day since April 2010. I may only walk Dusty once a day sometimes, but it is a pretty extraordinary day if I don't walk her at all. My dog walking habit is automatic.
But, my healthy eating? My high-intensity exercise? Nope, none of these are habits yet. So, I'll just keep on trying.
Thursday, 10 February 2011
21 steps forward, 11 steps back
I have gone on a bender.
I was going so well. Happy with the food choices I was making, feeling confident that what I was doing was helping me achieve my goals.
I was disappointed between the scale readings in week 2 and week 3 - only 500 grams down. In truth, three weeks of strong work and only down 2.1 kilos was disappointing me. That is slow progress in my book -and it certainly doesn't keep me on track to be successful in my challenge.
But on Feb 7, I had a sneak preview. And you cannot conceive my horror. I had gone up. It wasn't much in the grand scheme of things. 300 grams. But, I was eating clean and exercising my little heart out. I was even contemplating entering an effing fun run.
If I am doing all this, and I can't expect to lose weight, what is the point?
That was when the first chocolate bar went down my throat. I planned it too. Going to the shop and so on. I was so upset, and then just so angry. Truly angry to be betrayed by my body like that. To put on weight. So, I flipped the birdy and bought a chocolate bar. I didn't even taste it.
The following day, I was even more angry. It didn't matter that the reading for my weigh in day was steady at 89.6kgs - the same number as the week before. I hadn't gone down. My tactics to help me were not helping me. Oh, and no personal training. I cancelled it - by this time I was emotionally all over the place and had a pretty nasty headache.
I remained angry, brooding all day. Three chocolate bars slipped down this time.
Yesterday, anger is still the dominant emotion. I ate out twice - breakfast and lunch. No bread at brekky, and chose sashimi at lunch. In one corner of my mind I am not ready to throw in the towel completely.
But, yesterday I am still struggling. I want to curl up and cry. I want to scream and yell at everyone I meet. And of course, I now think there is no point to the challenge, no point to keep trying. I have screwed this up. And the anger hasn't gone away. Chocolate cake from the cafe at the base of my building. This cake is likely still motivated by anger, by despair that this neutral weekly weigh in has become so big an obstacle. But also prompted by the now insatiable need I have for sugar by 2pm every afternoon.
I am still angry. Last night I couldn't get to sleep, tossing and turning, getting out of bed, thinking over and over and over again about all the things I have and haven't done (work, eating, exercise). I have woken up early. I want to cancel training this morning - anger "What's the point", shame "what have I done?, pride "I don't want to admit this to anyone."
I am still angry. I hopped on the scales. I have put on 1.1kgs. I am up to 90.7kg. I feel fat and bloated. I feel constipated. And I really really really want to eat cereal this morning. and I really, really, really don't want to go to personal training.
I can't understand why I went up in the first place. But I can understand my reaction. I am still devastated, both by going up and by the binge that has followed.
I feel like I have been slapped in the face.
"You don't deserve to lose weight."
I feel like I have been laughed at.
"You think these pathetic attempts will work?"
I feel worthless.
"You deserve to be obese. Your plans will never work. You are kidding yourself. You will never do enough to succeed. You are not good enough to be slim."
My reality now is that in three days I have put on 1.1kilograms.
In other words? I have lost one kilogram over three weeks. And when I think that, I am ready to cry again. I have lost all perspective. But I have lost so much more: self worth, motivation, a sense of progress.
I was going so well. Happy with the food choices I was making, feeling confident that what I was doing was helping me achieve my goals.
I was disappointed between the scale readings in week 2 and week 3 - only 500 grams down. In truth, three weeks of strong work and only down 2.1 kilos was disappointing me. That is slow progress in my book -and it certainly doesn't keep me on track to be successful in my challenge.
But on Feb 7, I had a sneak preview. And you cannot conceive my horror. I had gone up. It wasn't much in the grand scheme of things. 300 grams. But, I was eating clean and exercising my little heart out. I was even contemplating entering an effing fun run.
If I am doing all this, and I can't expect to lose weight, what is the point?
That was when the first chocolate bar went down my throat. I planned it too. Going to the shop and so on. I was so upset, and then just so angry. Truly angry to be betrayed by my body like that. To put on weight. So, I flipped the birdy and bought a chocolate bar. I didn't even taste it.
The following day, I was even more angry. It didn't matter that the reading for my weigh in day was steady at 89.6kgs - the same number as the week before. I hadn't gone down. My tactics to help me were not helping me. Oh, and no personal training. I cancelled it - by this time I was emotionally all over the place and had a pretty nasty headache.
I remained angry, brooding all day. Three chocolate bars slipped down this time.
Yesterday, anger is still the dominant emotion. I ate out twice - breakfast and lunch. No bread at brekky, and chose sashimi at lunch. In one corner of my mind I am not ready to throw in the towel completely.
But, yesterday I am still struggling. I want to curl up and cry. I want to scream and yell at everyone I meet. And of course, I now think there is no point to the challenge, no point to keep trying. I have screwed this up. And the anger hasn't gone away. Chocolate cake from the cafe at the base of my building. This cake is likely still motivated by anger, by despair that this neutral weekly weigh in has become so big an obstacle. But also prompted by the now insatiable need I have for sugar by 2pm every afternoon.
I am still angry. Last night I couldn't get to sleep, tossing and turning, getting out of bed, thinking over and over and over again about all the things I have and haven't done (work, eating, exercise). I have woken up early. I want to cancel training this morning - anger "What's the point", shame "what have I done?, pride "I don't want to admit this to anyone."
I am still angry. I hopped on the scales. I have put on 1.1kgs. I am up to 90.7kg. I feel fat and bloated. I feel constipated. And I really really really want to eat cereal this morning. and I really, really, really don't want to go to personal training.
I can't understand why I went up in the first place. But I can understand my reaction. I am still devastated, both by going up and by the binge that has followed.
I feel like I have been slapped in the face.
"You don't deserve to lose weight."
I feel like I have been laughed at.
"You think these pathetic attempts will work?"
I feel worthless.
"You deserve to be obese. Your plans will never work. You are kidding yourself. You will never do enough to succeed. You are not good enough to be slim."
My reality now is that in three days I have put on 1.1kilograms.
In other words? I have lost one kilogram over three weeks. And when I think that, I am ready to cry again. I have lost all perspective. But I have lost so much more: self worth, motivation, a sense of progress.
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