What can take a girl away from her blog? Hmmm, quite a lot actually.
Reason one
A dummy spit. A foot stamp. A full-blown tanty (aka tantrum). Yep, I threw in the towel two weeks ago, and had along session of growling at myself and my ridiculously high expectations of reaching the "healthy me" in a few weeks.
Going up on the scales put a crack in my "steely determination". But truly, that is a lie. What I have really done is, once again, set up a whole plan that is destined to fail. I set my goals so high that they easily become unreachable. Lose 12 kilos in 8 weeks? How many of us ever do that, and if we do, how often have we kept it off?
Depression. My psychological modus operandi is to continually prove to myself that I am a failure. This dummy spit that I had two weeks ago is more about my paradigms (yes, I have a psychologist and a psychiatrist), and how I approach the world - in a way that is deeply rooted in destructive behaviours. As Darla said in My Winning Year (I paraphrase) - depression and anxiety often go hand in hand with obesity.
Reason two
Grief. Yes, for quite a few days I was just concentrating on making it through the day in the most functional way I could - getting my paid work done, and being cordial to my loved ones.
Working through grief via blogging was impossible for me. I started my hand-written journal at that time.
Usually - when I am not coping with life - I use my husband as a whipping post - getting angry and yelling at him when he asks any type of question - "how was work today?", "Did you pick up the mail?"...
It is one of the really horrid things about me - that the people I love most in the world are the ones who get treated poorly when the going gets tough. I have been intentionally trying to change this part of me, but it has taken all of my emotional energy to make it through these past few weeks.
Reason three
Trying to re-work my thinking around my "healthy me" goals and redefine my direction and intentions. I don't think I have completely sorted that out. At the time of writing this, the goals on the blog still read
-8 week challenge: lose 12 kilos by 7 March 2011
-5 week challenge: lose 5 kilos by 12 April 2011
- et al.
These goals will change. As Rick from Rick Gets Fit commented on one of my earlier posts - why don't I try to focus less on the scale?
Wise words.
2 comments:
Thanks for visiting my blog:) I read several of your posts and can identify with you. That habit forming thing - yikes! It is hard. I was just thinking about March and if I did what I want to do every day that might get me close to new habits. Maybe. My past would suggest I am a slow learner:( I agree with Rick. One thing I HAVE learned with the help of other wise bloggers, the scale is not a great way to measure our success. We can't control it, only ourselves. Sigh.
Wow. I mean WOW. I can so relate to this post. Setting goals too high and failing...yeah, that's me. Depression and anxiety - yeah, that's me. And I have noticed it a lot in the obese population. Obviously we are self-medicating with food, right?
Having said all that, I have found that not giving myself the "I Quit" excuse is really helping me. So what if I screw up? Right back on it. Sooner or later I'll get the drift and just stop screwing up (or not as much). That's the plan anyway. For life!! Thanks for the blogger love.
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