I haven't posted here for a week. And that week is week four - half way through my eight week challenge.
After three weeks of eating healthily, exercising hard, and feeling virtuous, I went off the rails. I became completely unreasonable in my thinking about my health, and everything in my life was catastrophised.
That's right, after three weeks, the claim is that we have formed a new habit. But I have found out ...
THIS IS A LIE
What did I find? This blog post which actually sited a research article in a peer reviewed journal! Now we're talking...
AND this research suggested that 66 days was the average to have a habit turn into something automatic. The average. And that this was for simple things, like eating a piece of fruit with lunch, or drinking x glasses of water a day.
SO, for us peeps, trying to lose weight, eat more healthily, incorporate exericise into our daily life... HUGE changes to our habits, these things will take considerably longer.
The days it took to form simple habits in their set of test subjects were between 18 days and 254 days. For new habits to form that require major changes, we are talking a lot longer.
AND, the research also suggested a sub-group of people who took a lot longer to form habits. The study suggests that there is likely to be a group of people who are HABIT RESISTANT!
That is why it is almost impossible for me not to walk my dog each day. I have been walking my dog twice a day almost every day since April 2010. I may only walk Dusty once a day sometimes, but it is a pretty extraordinary day if I don't walk her at all. My dog walking habit is automatic.
But, my healthy eating? My high-intensity exercise? Nope, none of these are habits yet. So, I'll just keep on trying.
Wednesday 16 February 2011
Thursday 10 February 2011
21 steps forward, 11 steps back
I have gone on a bender.
I was going so well. Happy with the food choices I was making, feeling confident that what I was doing was helping me achieve my goals.
I was disappointed between the scale readings in week 2 and week 3 - only 500 grams down. In truth, three weeks of strong work and only down 2.1 kilos was disappointing me. That is slow progress in my book -and it certainly doesn't keep me on track to be successful in my challenge.
But on Feb 7, I had a sneak preview. And you cannot conceive my horror. I had gone up. It wasn't much in the grand scheme of things. 300 grams. But, I was eating clean and exercising my little heart out. I was even contemplating entering an effing fun run.
If I am doing all this, and I can't expect to lose weight, what is the point?
That was when the first chocolate bar went down my throat. I planned it too. Going to the shop and so on. I was so upset, and then just so angry. Truly angry to be betrayed by my body like that. To put on weight. So, I flipped the birdy and bought a chocolate bar. I didn't even taste it.
The following day, I was even more angry. It didn't matter that the reading for my weigh in day was steady at 89.6kgs - the same number as the week before. I hadn't gone down. My tactics to help me were not helping me. Oh, and no personal training. I cancelled it - by this time I was emotionally all over the place and had a pretty nasty headache.
I remained angry, brooding all day. Three chocolate bars slipped down this time.
Yesterday, anger is still the dominant emotion. I ate out twice - breakfast and lunch. No bread at brekky, and chose sashimi at lunch. In one corner of my mind I am not ready to throw in the towel completely.
But, yesterday I am still struggling. I want to curl up and cry. I want to scream and yell at everyone I meet. And of course, I now think there is no point to the challenge, no point to keep trying. I have screwed this up. And the anger hasn't gone away. Chocolate cake from the cafe at the base of my building. This cake is likely still motivated by anger, by despair that this neutral weekly weigh in has become so big an obstacle. But also prompted by the now insatiable need I have for sugar by 2pm every afternoon.
I am still angry. Last night I couldn't get to sleep, tossing and turning, getting out of bed, thinking over and over and over again about all the things I have and haven't done (work, eating, exercise). I have woken up early. I want to cancel training this morning - anger "What's the point", shame "what have I done?, pride "I don't want to admit this to anyone."
I am still angry. I hopped on the scales. I have put on 1.1kgs. I am up to 90.7kg. I feel fat and bloated. I feel constipated. And I really really really want to eat cereal this morning. and I really, really, really don't want to go to personal training.
I can't understand why I went up in the first place. But I can understand my reaction. I am still devastated, both by going up and by the binge that has followed.
I feel like I have been slapped in the face.
"You don't deserve to lose weight."
I feel like I have been laughed at.
"You think these pathetic attempts will work?"
I feel worthless.
"You deserve to be obese. Your plans will never work. You are kidding yourself. You will never do enough to succeed. You are not good enough to be slim."
My reality now is that in three days I have put on 1.1kilograms.
In other words? I have lost one kilogram over three weeks. And when I think that, I am ready to cry again. I have lost all perspective. But I have lost so much more: self worth, motivation, a sense of progress.
I was going so well. Happy with the food choices I was making, feeling confident that what I was doing was helping me achieve my goals.
I was disappointed between the scale readings in week 2 and week 3 - only 500 grams down. In truth, three weeks of strong work and only down 2.1 kilos was disappointing me. That is slow progress in my book -and it certainly doesn't keep me on track to be successful in my challenge.
But on Feb 7, I had a sneak preview. And you cannot conceive my horror. I had gone up. It wasn't much in the grand scheme of things. 300 grams. But, I was eating clean and exercising my little heart out. I was even contemplating entering an effing fun run.
If I am doing all this, and I can't expect to lose weight, what is the point?
That was when the first chocolate bar went down my throat. I planned it too. Going to the shop and so on. I was so upset, and then just so angry. Truly angry to be betrayed by my body like that. To put on weight. So, I flipped the birdy and bought a chocolate bar. I didn't even taste it.
The following day, I was even more angry. It didn't matter that the reading for my weigh in day was steady at 89.6kgs - the same number as the week before. I hadn't gone down. My tactics to help me were not helping me. Oh, and no personal training. I cancelled it - by this time I was emotionally all over the place and had a pretty nasty headache.
I remained angry, brooding all day. Three chocolate bars slipped down this time.
Yesterday, anger is still the dominant emotion. I ate out twice - breakfast and lunch. No bread at brekky, and chose sashimi at lunch. In one corner of my mind I am not ready to throw in the towel completely.
But, yesterday I am still struggling. I want to curl up and cry. I want to scream and yell at everyone I meet. And of course, I now think there is no point to the challenge, no point to keep trying. I have screwed this up. And the anger hasn't gone away. Chocolate cake from the cafe at the base of my building. This cake is likely still motivated by anger, by despair that this neutral weekly weigh in has become so big an obstacle. But also prompted by the now insatiable need I have for sugar by 2pm every afternoon.
I am still angry. Last night I couldn't get to sleep, tossing and turning, getting out of bed, thinking over and over and over again about all the things I have and haven't done (work, eating, exercise). I have woken up early. I want to cancel training this morning - anger "What's the point", shame "what have I done?, pride "I don't want to admit this to anyone."
I am still angry. I hopped on the scales. I have put on 1.1kgs. I am up to 90.7kg. I feel fat and bloated. I feel constipated. And I really really really want to eat cereal this morning. and I really, really, really don't want to go to personal training.
I can't understand why I went up in the first place. But I can understand my reaction. I am still devastated, both by going up and by the binge that has followed.
I feel like I have been slapped in the face.
"You don't deserve to lose weight."
I feel like I have been laughed at.
"You think these pathetic attempts will work?"
I feel worthless.
"You deserve to be obese. Your plans will never work. You are kidding yourself. You will never do enough to succeed. You are not good enough to be slim."
My reality now is that in three days I have put on 1.1kilograms.
In other words? I have lost one kilogram over three weeks. And when I think that, I am ready to cry again. I have lost all perspective. But I have lost so much more: self worth, motivation, a sense of progress.
Sunday 6 February 2011
Scale wars
I am officially weighing in once a week - on Tuesdays. However, like most people, I do jump on the scales through the week, for a sneak preview.
This morning - horror. I am UP 300grams from my weigh in last week. Now, I am eating healthily, I have nothing to hide in my food diary, and I am going to my PT sessions three times a week. I am actually proud of the work I am putting in.
So, HOW can this happen? How is it possible that I weigh more? I can understand steady - fat can be hard to budge. But UP?
A disgruntled Fi, signing off.
This morning - horror. I am UP 300grams from my weigh in last week. Now, I am eating healthily, I have nothing to hide in my food diary, and I am going to my PT sessions three times a week. I am actually proud of the work I am putting in.
So, HOW can this happen? How is it possible that I weigh more? I can understand steady - fat can be hard to budge. But UP?
A disgruntled Fi, signing off.
Saturday 5 February 2011
Dread and disappointment: two reactions to doing a fun run
To celebrate International Womens Day, there is a five kilometre fundraising Fun Run in Brisbane I could sign up for. After my 4 kilometre attempt up and down hills last week, I actually wouldn't mind giving it a go. Weird.
My emotional reaction to this is truly strange to me.
Dread
Last year, Andy-the-personal-trainer thought I was ready to do a 10 kilometre fun run, so that I could time myself and then try and better it at the next fun run "meet".
I wasn't keen. In fact, I was so panicked by the idea that I felt nauseous. I was making up excuses in my head for days, when I realised... I HAD A PRIOR COMMITMENT - I DIDN"T HAVE TO DO IT!!!
A friend had asked me to host her baby shower, which conveniently fell on the same day. I couldn't keep the grin off my face, actually having a REAL excuse not to do it. I was so very smug and deeply happy.
Disappointment
This time is different. I WANT to do the fun run!
But, it is on Sunday 6 March, and I am flying out to Asia for work on Friday 4 March. Bugger. And I actually mean it.
Something must be wrong with me. Usually I would be jumping up and down with excitement to be travelling for work! Usually I would be skipping with joy that I have a real reason for not entering a Fun Run.
But I am truly disappointed that I wont be entering.
Two possible reasons for the drastic change in my attitude to entering a Fun Run
1. Achievable
10 kilometres is the standard distance of fun runs in Australia, but I know I would be walking most of that. With a 5km circuit, there is the very slightest possibility of attempting to run/jog the whole thing. Hope is there. I have a gut feeling that I could actually jog 5 kilometres by 6 March. This is a challenge that I may be able to meet. And that is exciting. That is MOTIVATING!
2. The Right Time
The 5km fun run is also conveniently timed for the end of my 8 week challenge - which ends on 7 March. Serendipitous timing. The fact that I am feeling really proud of myself with the things I have done for the last few weeks. I am putting the work in to meet my goals. But I would need to keep on putting the work in to be able to jog 5kms. So, the timing is also MOTIVATING me to keep on with the great choices I am making each day (each hour, each minute).
What now?
As I write, I am even thinking whether I could do my own fun run. Find out what the circuit would be and get my husband to be my time-keeper, and do the 5km run just before I leave!
I really am feeling comfortable with the healthy eating choices I am making, and with the exercise I am doing.
The true aim of this 8 week challenge is to kickstart life-long changes to my eating and exercise habits.
May be it is working?
My emotional reaction to this is truly strange to me.
Dread
Last year, Andy-the-personal-trainer thought I was ready to do a 10 kilometre fun run, so that I could time myself and then try and better it at the next fun run "meet".
I wasn't keen. In fact, I was so panicked by the idea that I felt nauseous. I was making up excuses in my head for days, when I realised... I HAD A PRIOR COMMITMENT - I DIDN"T HAVE TO DO IT!!!
A friend had asked me to host her baby shower, which conveniently fell on the same day. I couldn't keep the grin off my face, actually having a REAL excuse not to do it. I was so very smug and deeply happy.
Disappointment
This time is different. I WANT to do the fun run!
But, it is on Sunday 6 March, and I am flying out to Asia for work on Friday 4 March. Bugger. And I actually mean it.
Something must be wrong with me. Usually I would be jumping up and down with excitement to be travelling for work! Usually I would be skipping with joy that I have a real reason for not entering a Fun Run.
But I am truly disappointed that I wont be entering.
Two possible reasons for the drastic change in my attitude to entering a Fun Run
1. Achievable
10 kilometres is the standard distance of fun runs in Australia, but I know I would be walking most of that. With a 5km circuit, there is the very slightest possibility of attempting to run/jog the whole thing. Hope is there. I have a gut feeling that I could actually jog 5 kilometres by 6 March. This is a challenge that I may be able to meet. And that is exciting. That is MOTIVATING!
2. The Right Time
The 5km fun run is also conveniently timed for the end of my 8 week challenge - which ends on 7 March. Serendipitous timing. The fact that I am feeling really proud of myself with the things I have done for the last few weeks. I am putting the work in to meet my goals. But I would need to keep on putting the work in to be able to jog 5kms. So, the timing is also MOTIVATING me to keep on with the great choices I am making each day (each hour, each minute).
What now?
As I write, I am even thinking whether I could do my own fun run. Find out what the circuit would be and get my husband to be my time-keeper, and do the 5km run just before I leave!
I really am feeling comfortable with the healthy eating choices I am making, and with the exercise I am doing.
The true aim of this 8 week challenge is to kickstart life-long changes to my eating and exercise habits.
May be it is working?
Friday 4 February 2011
Four reasons why am I using a personal trainer
Considering the amount of money I spent in 2010 on personal training sessions, and only seeing very poor results, you'd think I would never use a personal trainer again. $2000 = 5 kilos lost. My first personal trainer experience was a big FAIL.
But, that was my fault. Not theirs.
Nebulous goal + no changes to eating = FAIL
Here are four reasons why I am using a personal trainer again in 2011
Because I need help.
I have a specific goal, and I am not confident that I have enough will-power to get out of bed and do a meaningful high intensity workout for 45 minutes without someone there waiting for me to turn up. My excuses are legendary. And, I don't want to start out with the enthusiasm most projects start out with, only to see them fizzing very soon after.
The PT is there to make me do the workout even when I really, really, really, really couldn't give a damn that I am staving off diabetes, or wanting to fit into my valedictory dress, or when the devil on your shoulder tells you that "you've I've already done heaps, you deserve a break".
Because I have a goal
I have a clearly articulated SPECIFIC goal, that is measurable and time-limited. I want to achieve my goal - and so I will do whatever it takes to help me get there. And since I know myself pretty well now, I could easily chuck it all in when my depression hits, or if work becomes too tough, or ... well you get the picture.
I have a goal, and I am used to dissappointing myself by not meeting my goals. A personal trainer will be a constant reminder of my goal.
Because I am committed to healhty eating
I finally acknowledge that I ate myself into this size, every bite counted. I have also seen that just getting fitter does not help me get skinnier - and I am $2000 worse off for that timely piece of self-awareness. So, no matter how much I want that hot cocoa after dinner, I am committed to changing my eating habits. I am maintaining a food diary. I have committed to paleo eating for four weeks (and likely eight).
Because I am making those changes to diet, I expect my personal training sessions to provide me with weight-loss results.
A plan for life without PT
I can't see the point of my goal - to maintain a healthy BMI for the rest of my life - IF I have to have three (3) personal training sessions each week for the rest of my life to achieve it.
So, I have already put limits on how long I will go to a personal trainer. This allows me to have control over my goal and my INTENTIONS for exercise - fitness for life. I am using the personal training to achieve my first 8 week challenge. There are other ways for the remaining goals to be achieved - PT may or may not be part of the plan.
For example, in my first 5 week challenge (to 12 April) I intend to replace 2 weeks worth (6) of personal training sessions with 10 sessions of hot yoga - steamy sweaty 1 hour yoga sessions. This will give me a break from PT, will give me some insight into how my body responds to different types of exercise, and will help me determine whether I actually turn up to a group class after promising myself I would. It will also give my hip pocket a break - the hot yoga is local and has a 10 session introductory offer!
But, that was my fault. Not theirs.
Nebulous goal + no changes to eating = FAIL
Here are four reasons why I am using a personal trainer again in 2011
Because I need help.
I have a specific goal, and I am not confident that I have enough will-power to get out of bed and do a meaningful high intensity workout for 45 minutes without someone there waiting for me to turn up. My excuses are legendary. And, I don't want to start out with the enthusiasm most projects start out with, only to see them fizzing very soon after.
The PT is there to make me do the workout even when I really, really, really, really couldn't give a damn that I am staving off diabetes, or wanting to fit into my valedictory dress, or when the devil on your shoulder tells you that "you've I've already done heaps, you deserve a break".
Because I have a goal
I have a clearly articulated SPECIFIC goal, that is measurable and time-limited. I want to achieve my goal - and so I will do whatever it takes to help me get there. And since I know myself pretty well now, I could easily chuck it all in when my depression hits, or if work becomes too tough, or ... well you get the picture.
I have a goal, and I am used to dissappointing myself by not meeting my goals. A personal trainer will be a constant reminder of my goal.
Because I am committed to healhty eating
I finally acknowledge that I ate myself into this size, every bite counted. I have also seen that just getting fitter does not help me get skinnier - and I am $2000 worse off for that timely piece of self-awareness. So, no matter how much I want that hot cocoa after dinner, I am committed to changing my eating habits. I am maintaining a food diary. I have committed to paleo eating for four weeks (and likely eight).
Because I am making those changes to diet, I expect my personal training sessions to provide me with weight-loss results.
A plan for life without PT
I can't see the point of my goal - to maintain a healthy BMI for the rest of my life - IF I have to have three (3) personal training sessions each week for the rest of my life to achieve it.
So, I have already put limits on how long I will go to a personal trainer. This allows me to have control over my goal and my INTENTIONS for exercise - fitness for life. I am using the personal training to achieve my first 8 week challenge. There are other ways for the remaining goals to be achieved - PT may or may not be part of the plan.
For example, in my first 5 week challenge (to 12 April) I intend to replace 2 weeks worth (6) of personal training sessions with 10 sessions of hot yoga - steamy sweaty 1 hour yoga sessions. This will give me a break from PT, will give me some insight into how my body responds to different types of exercise, and will help me determine whether I actually turn up to a group class after promising myself I would. It will also give my hip pocket a break - the hot yoga is local and has a 10 session introductory offer!
Thursday 3 February 2011
My personal trainer experience #3
In 2010, because my goal was all about fat loss rather than fitness, Andy wanted me to commit to healthy eating.
My introduction to the Paleo Diet
Andy is an advocate of the Paleo diet and lifestyle - there are plenty of sites that discuss the diet, but at its basis - eat what our ancestors ate: meat, veg, fruit, nuts. What's missing? Dairy, pulses, legumes, grains, sugar.
My weight-loss plan
Andy wanted me to go "strict paleo" for the first four weeks to kickstart healthy eating, and go to personal training three times a week (45 minute sessions).
He also repeatedly said that a food diary is the single best tool I could use for weight loss.
The outcome
FAIL. I had so many excuses for not writing my food diary, and for not bothering to change my eating habits.
As for paleo? While I didn't tell this to Andy, there was no way was I giving up breakfast cereal, hot buttered toast, cheese and sugary treats when I was doing so much exercise!
Surprise surprise, I only lost 5 kilos over several months. I thought the exercise would be enough. I was wrong.
So is having a personal trainer worth it?
Only if you are committed to healthy eating as well. And only if you have specific goals.
The AU$2000ish dollars I spent on personal training in 2010 did not show $2000-worth of results.
Was the experience a waste? No. For two reasons. I DID get a lot stronger. From not being able to do a push up, to doing 80 in a session! So, while I only lost five kilos over those few months, I did increase my fitness.
AND, fast-forward to 2011. I am using a personal trainer again.
My introduction to the Paleo Diet
Andy is an advocate of the Paleo diet and lifestyle - there are plenty of sites that discuss the diet, but at its basis - eat what our ancestors ate: meat, veg, fruit, nuts. What's missing? Dairy, pulses, legumes, grains, sugar.
My weight-loss plan
Andy wanted me to go "strict paleo" for the first four weeks to kickstart healthy eating, and go to personal training three times a week (45 minute sessions).
He also repeatedly said that a food diary is the single best tool I could use for weight loss.
The outcome
FAIL. I had so many excuses for not writing my food diary, and for not bothering to change my eating habits.
As for paleo? While I didn't tell this to Andy, there was no way was I giving up breakfast cereal, hot buttered toast, cheese and sugary treats when I was doing so much exercise!
Surprise surprise, I only lost 5 kilos over several months. I thought the exercise would be enough. I was wrong.
So is having a personal trainer worth it?
Only if you are committed to healthy eating as well. And only if you have specific goals.
The AU$2000ish dollars I spent on personal training in 2010 did not show $2000-worth of results.
Was the experience a waste? No. For two reasons. I DID get a lot stronger. From not being able to do a push up, to doing 80 in a session! So, while I only lost five kilos over those few months, I did increase my fitness.
AND, fast-forward to 2011. I am using a personal trainer again.
Wednesday 2 February 2011
My personal training experience #2
At my first session in 2010 with Andy-the-personal-trainer, it was all about benchmarking.
The nitty gritty
Andy weighed me, measured me up (arms, thighs, chest, waist, hips), and pinched my fat to measure that too. All extremely humiliating while he was alway upbeat and cheerful.
The rest of the session was doing a series of exercises to "benchmark" me against what he called standard measures - how fast I rowed 500 metres, sit ups, push ups, and so on. It was intense, but I did feel the feel-good endorphins flowing afterwards (and sore for quite a few days after it).
Goalsetting
And we talked about my goals. I was not very specific about that, just saying I wanted to be "fitter", and healthy before I tried to get pregnant. Losing weight was what I was specifically after.
Andy wanted me to think of goals like "run a marathon", or "bench-press 60 kilos". I had no idea what he was talking about, and I had no ambition to run a marathon. I wanted to lose weight, so I said my goal was to fit into a size 10.
So we discussed my diet. More in the next post.
Tuesday 1 February 2011
Week 2 wrap up
Weigh in day today, and while not brilliant on the scales, I am not one to complain about a downward trend.
Tuesday 1 February 2011 - 89.6kg (home scales)
Why am I blue? It is all to do with the lovely hormones. At least I now understand why I was completely overwrought angry and emotional for a few days late last week, why I have been craving sugar (chocolate preferred), and why I have been feeling so bloated and uncomfortable despite eating far cleaner than I have for quite a few months. It is THAT time of month.
What makes this quite emotionally traumatic for me, though, is that six weeks ago I was pregnant. But, I lost my daughter. So this is my body telling me it is back in the baby making game if I want to be. I am not sure if I am.
So, if I am feeling less than enthusiastic about my successes this week - and there have been quite a few successes - so be it. I am giving myself permission to be as blue as I need to be.
But, for the record my achievements this week
Tuesday 1 February 2011 - 89.6kg (home scales)
Why am I blue? It is all to do with the lovely hormones. At least I now understand why I was completely overwrought angry and emotional for a few days late last week, why I have been craving sugar (chocolate preferred), and why I have been feeling so bloated and uncomfortable despite eating far cleaner than I have for quite a few months. It is THAT time of month.
What makes this quite emotionally traumatic for me, though, is that six weeks ago I was pregnant. But, I lost my daughter. So this is my body telling me it is back in the baby making game if I want to be. I am not sure if I am.
So, if I am feeling less than enthusiastic about my successes this week - and there have been quite a few successes - so be it. I am giving myself permission to be as blue as I need to be.
But, for the record my achievements this week
- Getting below 90kilos and losing a total of 2.1 kilos by week 2
- Going to all my personal training sessions
- Running/walking/jogging 4kms in under 30 minutes
- Succumbing to a piece of cake and NOT turning it into a binge session. Twice
- Getting to a low of 89.4kg before the bloat took me back into the 90's.
- Taking Dusty for a long walk this morning when it would have been easier to leave it when my legs felt like jelly after my training session (100 thrusters, 50 burpees)
- choosing healthy options while dining out
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