21 steps forward, 11 steps back

I have gone on a bender. 

I was going so well. Happy with the food choices I was making, feeling confident that what I was doing was helping me achieve my goals.

I was disappointed between the scale readings in week 2 and week 3 - only 500 grams down.  In truth, three weeks of strong work and only down 2.1 kilos was disappointing me. That is slow progress in my book -and it certainly doesn't keep me on track to be successful in my challenge.

But on Feb 7, I had a sneak preview.  And you cannot conceive my horror.  I had gone up.  It wasn't much in the grand scheme of things.  300 grams.  But, I was eating clean and exercising my little heart out. I was even contemplating entering an effing fun run.

If I am doing all this, and I can't expect to lose weight, what is the point?

That was when the first chocolate bar went down my throat.  I planned it too. Going to the shop and so on. I was so upset, and then just so angry.  Truly angry to be betrayed by my body like that.  To put on weight.  So, I flipped the birdy and bought a chocolate bar.  I didn't even taste it.

The following day, I was even more angry. It didn't matter that the reading for my weigh in day was steady at 89.6kgs - the same number as the week before.  I hadn't gone down. My tactics to help me were not helping me.  Oh, and no personal training. I cancelled it - by this time I was emotionally all over the place and had a pretty nasty headache.

I remained angry, brooding all day.  Three chocolate bars slipped down this time.

Yesterday, anger is still the dominant emotion.  I ate out twice - breakfast and lunch.  No bread at brekky, and chose sashimi at lunch.  In one corner of my mind I am not ready to throw in the towel completely.

But, yesterday I am still struggling.  I want to curl up and cry. I want to scream and yell at everyone I meet.  And of course, I now think there is no point to the challenge, no point to keep trying. I have screwed this up.  And the anger hasn't gone away.  Chocolate cake from the cafe at the base of my building.  This cake is likely still motivated by anger, by despair that this neutral weekly weigh in has become so big an obstacle.  But also prompted by the now insatiable need I have for sugar by 2pm every afternoon.

I am still angry.  Last night I couldn't get to sleep, tossing and turning, getting out of bed, thinking over and over and over again about all the things I have and haven't done (work, eating, exercise).  I have woken up early. I want to cancel training this morning - anger "What's the point", shame "what have I done?, pride "I don't want to admit this to anyone."

I am still angry.  I hopped on the scales. I have put on 1.1kgs.  I am up to 90.7kg. I feel fat and bloated. I feel constipated. And I really really really want to eat cereal this morning. and I really, really, really don't want to go to personal training.

I can't understand why I went up in the first place. But I can understand my reaction.  I am still devastated, both by going up and by the binge that has followed.

I feel like I have been slapped in the face.

"You don't deserve to lose weight."

I feel like I have been laughed at.
"You think these pathetic attempts will work?"

I feel worthless.
"You deserve to be obese. Your plans will never work. You are kidding yourself.  You will never do enough to succeed. You are not good enough to be slim."


My reality now is that in three days I have put on 1.1kilograms.

In other words?  I have lost one kilogram over three weeks.  And when I think that, I am ready to cry again. I have lost all perspective.  But I have lost so much more: self worth, motivation, a sense of progress.

Dread and disappointment: two reactions to doing a fun run

To celebrate International Womens Day, there is a five kilometre fundraising Fun Run in Brisbane I could sign up for.  After my 4 kilometre attempt up and down hills last week, I actually wouldn't mind giving it a go.  Weird.

My emotional reaction to this is truly strange to me. 

Dread
Last year, Andy-the-personal-trainer thought I was ready to do a 10 kilometre fun run, so that I could time myself and then try and better it at the next fun run "meet".

I wasn't keen. In fact, I was so panicked by the idea that I felt nauseous.  I was making up excuses in my head for days, when I realised... I HAD A PRIOR COMMITMENT - I DIDN"T HAVE TO DO IT!!!

A friend had asked me to host her baby shower, which conveniently fell on the same day. I couldn't keep the grin off my face, actually having a REAL excuse not to do it.  I was so very smug and deeply happy.


Disappointment
This time is different.  I WANT to do the fun run!

But, it is on Sunday 6 March, and I am flying out to Asia for work on Friday 4 March.  Bugger. And I actually mean it.

Something must be wrong with me.  Usually I would be jumping up and down with excitement to be travelling for work!  Usually I would be skipping with joy that I have a real reason for not entering a Fun Run.

But I am truly disappointed that I wont be entering.

Two possible reasons for the drastic change in my attitude to entering a Fun Run

1. Achievable
10 kilometres is the standard distance of fun runs in Australia, but I know I would be walking most of that.  With a 5km circuit, there is the very slightest possibility of attempting to run/jog the whole thing.  Hope is there. I have a gut feeling that I could actually jog 5 kilometres by 6 March.  This is a challenge that I may be able to meet.  And that is exciting. That is MOTIVATING!

2. The Right Time 
The 5km fun run is also conveniently timed for the end of my 8 week challenge - which ends on 7 March.  Serendipitous timing.  The fact that I am feeling really proud of myself with the things I have done for the last few weeks.  I am putting the work in to meet my goals. But I would need to keep on putting the work in to be able to jog 5kms.  So, the timing is also MOTIVATING me to keep on with the great choices I am making each day (each hour, each minute).


What now?
As I write, I am even thinking whether I could do my own fun run.  Find out what the circuit would be and get my husband to be my time-keeper, and do the 5km run just before I leave!


I really am feeling comfortable with the healthy eating choices I am making, and with the exercise I am doing.

The true aim of this 8 week challenge is to kickstart life-long changes to my eating and exercise habits.

May be it is working?

Four reasons why am I using a personal trainer

Considering the amount of money I spent in 2010 on personal training sessions, and only seeing very poor results, you'd think I would never use a personal trainer again.  $2000 = 5 kilos lost.   My first personal trainer experience was a big FAIL.

But, that was my fault. Not theirs.

Nebulous goal + no changes to eating = FAIL

Here are four reasons why I am using a personal trainer again in 2011

Because I need help.
I have a specific goal, and I am not confident that I have enough will-power to get out of bed and do a meaningful high intensity workout for 45 minutes without someone there waiting for me to turn up.  My excuses are legendary.  And, I don't want to start out with the enthusiasm most projects start out with, only to see them fizzing very soon after.

The PT is there to make me do the workout even when I really, really, really, really couldn't give a damn that I am staving off diabetes, or wanting to fit into my valedictory dress, or when the devil on your shoulder tells you that "you've I've already done heaps, you deserve a break".

Because I have a goal
I have a clearly articulated SPECIFIC goal, that is measurable and time-limited. I want to achieve my goal - and so I will do whatever it takes to help me get there.  And since I know myself pretty well now, I could easily chuck it all in when my depression hits, or if work becomes too tough, or ... well you get the picture.

I have a goal, and I am used to dissappointing myself by not meeting my goals. A personal trainer will be a constant reminder of my goal.

Because I am committed to healhty eating
I finally acknowledge that I ate myself into this size, every bite counted.  I have also seen that just getting fitter does not help me get skinnier - and I am $2000 worse off for that timely piece of self-awareness.  So, no matter how much I want that hot cocoa after dinner, I am committed to changing my eating habits. I am maintaining a food diary. I have committed to paleo eating for four weeks (and likely eight).

Because I am making those changes to diet, I expect my personal training sessions to provide me with weight-loss results.

A plan for life without PT
I can't see the point of my goal - to maintain a healthy BMI for the rest of my life - IF I have to have three (3) personal training sessions each week for the rest of my life to achieve it.

So, I have already put limits on how long I will go to a personal trainer.  This allows me to have control over my goal and my INTENTIONS for exercise - fitness for life.  I am using the personal training to achieve my first 8 week challenge.  There are other ways for the remaining goals to be achieved - PT may or may not be part of the plan.

For example, in my first 5 week challenge (to 12 April) I intend to replace 2 weeks worth (6) of personal training sessions with 10 sessions of hot yoga - steamy sweaty 1 hour yoga sessions.  This will give me a break from PT, will give me some insight into how my body responds to different types of exercise, and will help me determine whether I actually turn up to a group class after promising myself I would. It will also give my hip pocket a break - the hot yoga is local and has a 10 session introductory offer!

My personal trainer experience #1

If you are keeping up with the Joneses, well, just EVERYONE has a personal trainer these days.

But in my mind, those people with personal trainers in parks or at the beach or (heaven forbid) at the gym, are already super fit and toned and tanned and beautiful and... NOT like me - obese, inflexible, and just a tad un-coordinated. 

Why follow the crowd and get a personal trainer?
By mid 2010, I was in dire straights -  95 kilos. BMI 34.  I wanted to start a family, and being this heavy would not help me or any baby I may have.

Since dieting and self motivation at a gym had done nothing for the last four years, I decided I needed the motivation and accountability of a personal trainer. 

Choosing a PT
During some searches online for "becoming a mother", I stumbled across a link to AJ Fitness in Carina, Brisbane.  They had a "mother's club" providing babysitting while you worked out.  I thought that sounded grand, they were only a few kilometres away, so I called up Andy Jeffrey. 

Their program
The AJ Fitness recommendations were straight-foward: regular high-intensity activity coupled with drastic changes to eating habits.  It seems my eating habits - eat whatever I want whenever I felt like it - were not appropriate.

Oh, and he wanted me to start "tomorrow", so I booked in the session, feeling a little bit dazed, and a whole lot nervous.

The paleo problem #3: saying no to sugar

Paleo eating means saying no to sugar. This is EXTREMELY difficult.  Why?

1. Sugar is an addictive substance and we suffer chemical withdrawal symptoms when we stop eating products containing sugar
2. We all eat around one (1) kilo of sugar each week - even if you don't sweeten your tea - as sugar is added to every conceivable food product that is mass produced (reference - Sweet Poison).  

Even soy sauce can have sugar in its ingredients list.  

I am finding it difficult this week. My first week of paleo eating was fine. This weekend - a lot harder.  I am emotional and moody, so I expect hormones are getting me going at the moment. And my normal reaction to being emotional and moody? Sweet sweet baked goods (or chocolate of course). 

I did a marathon baking session before going on this challenge to get rid of sugar in my pantry. The result? A lot of sweet treats like cake, biscuits and cupcakes, portioned in little packets in the freezer for my husband to take to work as treats.

At 3pm on Saturday and 3pm on Sunday, I ate a slice of cake from the freezer.  It is done.  But my feelings?

1. Disappointed.  I ate cake when I said I wouldn't.
2. Resigned - so I at least tried to taste each bite rather than eat it mindlessly.  
3. Happy - I didn't turn it into a binge fest as I stuck to one piece of cake each day.

Sugar and the long term
Eating paleo actually makes getting rid of sugar in my diet easier, because the only "allowed" food that has significant sugar levels in it is fruit.

Despite my cake setbacks on the weekend, I could be convinced to remove sugar from my diet forever more.  Why?

I am currently reading Sweet Poison, so I am pretty convinced that sugar is evil and I want it out of my life completely.  Stay tuned for further information to this monumental change in my life.

The paleo problem # 2 saying no to breakfast staples

I have eaten eggs for breakfast since starting out on this journey.  9 mornings.  And can I just say... I AM SICK OF EGGS!

If grains are out, what else is there to eat at breakfast?

Saying no to standard breakfast products will be a challenge for eight weeks.Why? What else is quicker or more convenient than pouring from the cereal packet, or popping the toast?  Oh, and can I just repeat that I am REALLY sick of eggs? 

Bread in Australia
While some mass produced breads are getting better in the supermarket ailses, most are just bleh. So, giving up grains should be simple, yes?

Not when Leavain and other artisan bakers come onto the scene.

Leavain... their bread is just SO good. From wholesome to wicked, their yeasty products are superb. My husband only buys bread from Leavain or from bakers at the Saturday Village Markets in Kelvin Grove- where a baker bring along their massive portable oven and bake the breads right there.

Where bread is whole grained, sour doughed, and fresh, where wheat is an option rather than a standard flour, then yes, saying no to grains is a whole lot harder.

Giving up bread will require some serious researching for breakfast alternatives.

My husband will continue to bring that Leavain goodness into the home, but I still have hope of not touching bread for eight weeks. My secret? Without butter, what is the point of eating bread?

Week 1 success

Week one of the eight week challenge is over. And I am pretty pleased.

1. I have completed three personal training sessions, which included a personal best for 500m rowing (2.01 minutes). 
2. I walked the dog 12 times (missed two sessions).
3. I completed one session of hill sprints.
4. I have been sugar free for 7 days
5. I completed my food diary each day.
6. I have eaten strictly paleo, with the exception of the hot chocolate debacle. 

And the results of this spartan discipline (sans the hot cocoa)?


1.6 kilos down!!!

• Tuesday 17 January I was 91.7 kilos (home scales)
• Tuesday 25 January I am 90.1 kilos (home scales

Now I am off to training where I should be weighed in too.

The scales at home and at training don't match up, but not too badly from what I can tell.  The first weigh in showed the home scales at 91.7; the PT scales at 91.9.

Hill sprints and a confession

Well today incorporates both sweet success and bitter failure.

I walked Dusty this morning for a good long striding walk and then... wait for it... I did 10 repetitions of hill sprints.  I am pretty chuffed with myself.

I am tired now - bone weary in fact after my first day back at work from time off, and getting our dinner ready (baked lemon and oregano chicken with roast pumpkin and steamed greens).  But the kitchen is cleared now, leftovers for lunches packed, and with a little time left over to write this post.

My failure?  Hot chocolate.  Now it is both very bad and not so bad. I made it on a teaspoon of bitter cocoa powder and a teaspoon of barley malt syrup (a natural fructose-free sweetener) with hot water and a brief pour of (this is the very bad bit)... cream.  I have had this four times during the week.

This is the only anti-paleo food I have eaten.  Is that an excuse? A plea for forgiveness?  Nope.  I did it. I acknolwedge it. I move on. Today ends the hot chocolates. 

What I need to do to achieve goal number one? Addendum

At my training session today I asked Will - a lovely trainer who works with Andy - for further advice on my first goal and how to get there.

He confirmed that my goal was achievable, to go from obese to overweight in eight weeks.  However, he knows I have to lose 12 kilos rather than 10, so he suggested a few other things as well.

To help me get there, Will said I should make sure I keep up walking the dog twice a day, and include a session (or two?) of hill sprints through the week.

So the tactics to achieve my goal are

1. A committed change to my diet
2. Keep a food diary
3. 3 x 45 minute high intensity personal training sessions a week 
4. A fourth high intensity group session by week 3(ish)
5. 1 or 2 hill sprint sessions a week
6. Daily dog walks (I walk Dusty twice a day)
   

More sensible people would say things like, "there are way too many new habits that I have to include in my regular routine", or "you've got to be kidding, no way can I include that much exercise into my already busy week", or perhaps what I said..."OMG, hill sprints?"

Will my lifestyle have to adjust? Yes.  But I already committed to that when I stopped ingesting sugar dairy and grains...

The bottom line is my goal - to maintain a healthy weight for life.  I don't want to be obese any longer. I want to reach my goal. And the first step is to watch what I put in my mouth. The second is to get more active.

So, I say, yes, I can do this.  With help.

What I need to do to achieve goal number one?

I need to change my lifestyle to be able to achieve my goal of getting to 80 kilos by 7 March.

I contacted Andy from AJ Fitness last week to help me. 

He has said my goal to lose 10 kilos in 8 weeks was achievable.  I was 90 kilos when I called him. However, when I started with him on Tuesday 17 January, I was 92 kilos.  So, I am not sure if 12 kilos lost in 8 weeks is achievable.  I'll keep you posted.

Andy demands

1. A change in my diet.
2. Keep a food diary
3. 3 x 45 minute training sessions a week 
4. A fourth group session by week 3(ish)

I'll be scheduling in sessions and working through the changes to eating issues in the coming posts.

It begins today!

I begin my 8 week challenge this morning, with my first session with Andy-the-personal-trainer. Wish me luck.

So, what has changed to make me motivated to lose 12 kilos by 7 March?

What has really changed?  Nothing that I can see but a feeling of determination that I cannot explain.

Is it being the new year perhaps?  Or is it driven from my personal tragedy? I fell pregnant but my baby was stillborn - is this to help me concentrate on looking after myself to avoid falling into sever depression?

I know in my gut that I am the only one who can change the way I eat, look, and feel.  I have also just read the Sweet Poison quit plan, so maybe I am laying all my hopes that I will not overeat once I remove sugar from my life?  I am not sure.  Yet.

Goal number one

Because 3 - 0 - is way too big a number in terms of the losing kilos, I have decided on an immediate short term goal to help me on the way to my ULTIMATE GOAL- maintaining a healthy BMI for the rest of my life.

Remembering what makes an achievable goal - specific, measurable, time-targetted, realistic - I am going to concentrate on going from inhabiting the "obese" category and slip into the "overweight" category.


My goal is to go from obese to overweight within eight weeks.

On Friday 14 January, my scales said I was 91.9 kilos.

For me to become "overweight" I need to lose 11.9 kilos and get to 80 kilos or lower.

To reach my goal I must lose 11.9 kilos and weigh 80 kilos or less by Tuesday 7 March, 2011.

I think that is specific, measurable and time-targeted.  Is it realistic?  It is going to be extremely tough to lose an average of 1.5 kilos over eight weeks.  But I think the goal has to be challenging, and I will get advice to see if it is realistic!

My Ultimate Goal

Ultimate Goal: To maintain a healthy BMI  (22-24) for the rest of my life.

Let me unpack what my ultimate goal actually means for me right now, today.

Wikipedia tells me that a good goal needs to be "specific, measurable, and time-targetted"... and that if it is "realistic" it is more likely to be achieved.

Specific
I am 92 kilos (202 pounds). To reach a BMI of 22.5 - exactly halfway between the "healthy" numbers 20-25 -  I need to be 62 kilos.


I need to lose 30 kilos (66 pounds). hmm...

I am already feeling too much pressure just writing that number.  Way too big a number, way too big a goal to start off with. No way can I lose 30 kilos.  I am already feeling scared and wanting to grab a chocolate bar.

That completely FAILS the "realistic" side of a good goal.

I am going to have to break down my ultimate goal - to maintain a healthy BMI - into smaller achievable parts if I am even going to TRY to do this.