21 steps forward, 11 steps back

I have gone on a bender. 

I was going so well. Happy with the food choices I was making, feeling confident that what I was doing was helping me achieve my goals.

I was disappointed between the scale readings in week 2 and week 3 - only 500 grams down.  In truth, three weeks of strong work and only down 2.1 kilos was disappointing me. That is slow progress in my book -and it certainly doesn't keep me on track to be successful in my challenge.

But on Feb 7, I had a sneak preview.  And you cannot conceive my horror.  I had gone up.  It wasn't much in the grand scheme of things.  300 grams.  But, I was eating clean and exercising my little heart out. I was even contemplating entering an effing fun run.

If I am doing all this, and I can't expect to lose weight, what is the point?

That was when the first chocolate bar went down my throat.  I planned it too. Going to the shop and so on. I was so upset, and then just so angry.  Truly angry to be betrayed by my body like that.  To put on weight.  So, I flipped the birdy and bought a chocolate bar.  I didn't even taste it.

The following day, I was even more angry. It didn't matter that the reading for my weigh in day was steady at 89.6kgs - the same number as the week before.  I hadn't gone down. My tactics to help me were not helping me.  Oh, and no personal training. I cancelled it - by this time I was emotionally all over the place and had a pretty nasty headache.

I remained angry, brooding all day.  Three chocolate bars slipped down this time.

Yesterday, anger is still the dominant emotion.  I ate out twice - breakfast and lunch.  No bread at brekky, and chose sashimi at lunch.  In one corner of my mind I am not ready to throw in the towel completely.

But, yesterday I am still struggling.  I want to curl up and cry. I want to scream and yell at everyone I meet.  And of course, I now think there is no point to the challenge, no point to keep trying. I have screwed this up.  And the anger hasn't gone away.  Chocolate cake from the cafe at the base of my building.  This cake is likely still motivated by anger, by despair that this neutral weekly weigh in has become so big an obstacle.  But also prompted by the now insatiable need I have for sugar by 2pm every afternoon.

I am still angry.  Last night I couldn't get to sleep, tossing and turning, getting out of bed, thinking over and over and over again about all the things I have and haven't done (work, eating, exercise).  I have woken up early. I want to cancel training this morning - anger "What's the point", shame "what have I done?, pride "I don't want to admit this to anyone."

I am still angry.  I hopped on the scales. I have put on 1.1kgs.  I am up to 90.7kg. I feel fat and bloated. I feel constipated. And I really really really want to eat cereal this morning. and I really, really, really don't want to go to personal training.

I can't understand why I went up in the first place. But I can understand my reaction.  I am still devastated, both by going up and by the binge that has followed.

I feel like I have been slapped in the face.

"You don't deserve to lose weight."

I feel like I have been laughed at.
"You think these pathetic attempts will work?"

I feel worthless.
"You deserve to be obese. Your plans will never work. You are kidding yourself.  You will never do enough to succeed. You are not good enough to be slim."


My reality now is that in three days I have put on 1.1kilograms.

In other words?  I have lost one kilogram over three weeks.  And when I think that, I am ready to cry again. I have lost all perspective.  But I have lost so much more: self worth, motivation, a sense of progress.

Scale wars

I am officially weighing in once a week - on Tuesdays.  However, like most people, I do jump on the scales through the week, for a sneak preview.

This morning - horror.  I am UP 300grams from my weigh in last week.  Now, I am eating healthily, I have nothing to hide in my food diary, and I am going to my PT sessions three times a week.  I am actually proud of the work I am putting in.

So, HOW can this happen? How is it possible that I weigh more? I can understand steady - fat can be hard to budge.  But UP?

A disgruntled Fi, signing off.

Dread and disappointment: two reactions to doing a fun run

To celebrate International Womens Day, there is a five kilometre fundraising Fun Run in Brisbane I could sign up for.  After my 4 kilometre attempt up and down hills last week, I actually wouldn't mind giving it a go.  Weird.

My emotional reaction to this is truly strange to me. 

Dread
Last year, Andy-the-personal-trainer thought I was ready to do a 10 kilometre fun run, so that I could time myself and then try and better it at the next fun run "meet".

I wasn't keen. In fact, I was so panicked by the idea that I felt nauseous.  I was making up excuses in my head for days, when I realised... I HAD A PRIOR COMMITMENT - I DIDN"T HAVE TO DO IT!!!

A friend had asked me to host her baby shower, which conveniently fell on the same day. I couldn't keep the grin off my face, actually having a REAL excuse not to do it.  I was so very smug and deeply happy.


Disappointment
This time is different.  I WANT to do the fun run!

But, it is on Sunday 6 March, and I am flying out to Asia for work on Friday 4 March.  Bugger. And I actually mean it.

Something must be wrong with me.  Usually I would be jumping up and down with excitement to be travelling for work!  Usually I would be skipping with joy that I have a real reason for not entering a Fun Run.

But I am truly disappointed that I wont be entering.

Two possible reasons for the drastic change in my attitude to entering a Fun Run

1. Achievable
10 kilometres is the standard distance of fun runs in Australia, but I know I would be walking most of that.  With a 5km circuit, there is the very slightest possibility of attempting to run/jog the whole thing.  Hope is there. I have a gut feeling that I could actually jog 5 kilometres by 6 March.  This is a challenge that I may be able to meet.  And that is exciting. That is MOTIVATING!

2. The Right Time 
The 5km fun run is also conveniently timed for the end of my 8 week challenge - which ends on 7 March.  Serendipitous timing.  The fact that I am feeling really proud of myself with the things I have done for the last few weeks.  I am putting the work in to meet my goals. But I would need to keep on putting the work in to be able to jog 5kms.  So, the timing is also MOTIVATING me to keep on with the great choices I am making each day (each hour, each minute).


What now?
As I write, I am even thinking whether I could do my own fun run.  Find out what the circuit would be and get my husband to be my time-keeper, and do the 5km run just before I leave!


I really am feeling comfortable with the healthy eating choices I am making, and with the exercise I am doing.

The true aim of this 8 week challenge is to kickstart life-long changes to my eating and exercise habits.

May be it is working?

A sweet treat after dinner

I did not realise how strong my need for a sweet after dinner was. I don't recall eating puddings or desserts, but perhaps it had become so customary for me to have a hot chocolate, or eat a home-baked or store bought treat after dinner that I stopped thinking about it a long time ago.

Did I even taste the sweet? Did I think twice about what was in my mouth? Did I even registered that I was looking for something sweet to eat? I suspect the answer is no.

Hill sprints and a confession

Well today incorporates both sweet success and bitter failure.

I walked Dusty this morning for a good long striding walk and then... wait for it... I did 10 repetitions of hill sprints.  I am pretty chuffed with myself.

I am tired now - bone weary in fact after my first day back at work from time off, and getting our dinner ready (baked lemon and oregano chicken with roast pumpkin and steamed greens).  But the kitchen is cleared now, leftovers for lunches packed, and with a little time left over to write this post.

My failure?  Hot chocolate.  Now it is both very bad and not so bad. I made it on a teaspoon of bitter cocoa powder and a teaspoon of barley malt syrup (a natural fructose-free sweetener) with hot water and a brief pour of (this is the very bad bit)... cream.  I have had this four times during the week.

This is the only anti-paleo food I have eaten.  Is that an excuse? A plea for forgiveness?  Nope.  I did it. I acknolwedge it. I move on. Today ends the hot chocolates.